Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM