Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.