friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.