friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
