friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.