friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
when mom throws a party…
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Showerkraut
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry