friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
