Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Whisper out to librarians!

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole