Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*