Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.