Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
These are too funny not to post 😂
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.