Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

My guardian angel deserves a raise

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no