FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”