Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Meow

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?