friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The legends were true
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.