Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals