Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

? 💀

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.