Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
based
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon