Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Do one person every day that scares you.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The Friday File.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
A man of commitment.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep