Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
