Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
