Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job