Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
A drug dealer laced my shoes and I’ve been tripping all day
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever