Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Bear knowledge
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
