Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one