Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

The photographer’s assistant

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives