Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.