Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk