Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

“A little help here, Danny?”

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.