Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
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I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Do one person every day that scares you.
How dude HOW?!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”