Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*