friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me![]()
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations