friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?