Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My Guy
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Truly one of the great bangers
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…