Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
🖤✌🏽
do u think theres a butter planet?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Strange
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer