Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

ㅤ

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”