Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016


The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated nnMe: I was in no condition to walk


this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies


My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.


<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.


Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.


Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.