Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I have so many questions.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage