Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.