Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.