friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.