When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A drum solo but on your face.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
grotesque if literal: baby food
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.