Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips