Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Banking tips
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Sticker placement is key.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon