Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!