Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.