friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?