Dad: Maybe we should do it
Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids
6: What’s inappropriate Mom?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“who can I count on to volunteer for this project?”
*slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*