@Chumpstring

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

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@JustDontBugMe

Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?

@kumailn

5 people hurt themselves by accidentally discharging guns at gun shows. Maybe the best way to handle gun nuts is to just let them have guns.

@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@amarie_price

“who can I count on to volunteer for this project?”

*slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

@fatherofcomedy

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

@continentlbkfst

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

@Death_Buddy

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*