@Chumpstring

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

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@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@HomeProbably

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

@wickedsuga

I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.

Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.

@KateWhineHall

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

@Darlainky

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

@MilesKlee

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

@Wine_Honey1

When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing

@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@BriarSlyMadness

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.