Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
You Might Also Like
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I need your parent’s phone number so I can call you & hang up when they answer.
Cause if I’m gonna crush on you, I’m doing it old school.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.
*gets arrested for trespassing
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.