FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.