Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
wut hotdog?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience