Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
No, he would not have.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”