Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

😂😂

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

Oh. My. God.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he