Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

January has been Januweary

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

How all things should be taught/explained.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either