Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
everyone has that one prude friend
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”