Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
A duv-egg? In this economy?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?