Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

yes… yes…

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Mood.. 😂

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

📽️movie date🎞️

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok