Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
eggs benadryl
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive