Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Very problematic

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?