Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

An odd boast

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Her, 5: can I have another pickle?

Me: no more pickles

Her: can I stare at the pickles?

Me: sure

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird