Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.