Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I hate my earbuds.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*