Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?