Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

🤣

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.