Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.