Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.