Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.