@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

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@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

@uccjeb

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

@Laser_Cat

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@LittleMissZesty

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@LovestruckLayla

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

@CroweJam

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.