Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.