Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
uh oh
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.