Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”