Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.