Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

This is my favorite one of these!

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain