Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The dark side of Canada
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.