Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Come back with a warrant

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.