Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith