friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
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[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
