friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Life hack
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.