Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.. do you even science?

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”