Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You Might Also Like
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology